Are We Compatible? The 5 Traits That Actually Matter

A couple in one of our premarital sessions got their SYMBIS results back, saw a few things they didn't expect, and asked the question every couple eventually asks:

Wait — should we even do this?

That's the compatibility question. And it's worth answering carefully, because most people are working with a Hollywood definition: compatibility is chemistry, you either have it or you don't, and if you have to work at it then it isn't real.

We think that's wrong. Compatibility isn't a lottery ticket. It's five specific things, and every one of them can be learned.

1. Emotional Safety

Can you bring your whole self to this person?

Here's the practical test. Something happens — a conversation lands wrong, a comment sits heavy — and you don't quite know what to do with it. Most people in most relationships just carry that. They never say anything.

Emotional safety means you can say: when you said that yesterday, this is how it made me feel. And be heard. No dismissing your thoughts, no minimizing your emotions, no need to filter who you actually are.

If you have that, you have the first trait. And that's where vulnerability and real depth start.

Erik didn't come into marriage with this. It was foreign to him — different upbringing, different environment. He had to grow up, take ownership, and build it. You can build it too.

2. Shared Core Values

People from wildly different backgrounds and beliefs get married all the time. Some make it. Some don't.

Marriage is already hard. Adding mismatched core values stacks another layer of work onto something that's plenty of work already.

We're not talking about liking the same movies. We're talking about: What do we believe? Are we going to church? Do we believe in God? Are we having kids — and how are we raising them? Who works? Who stays home?

Here's the part that gets couples: unspoken values live in your head as expectations. If you never say them out loud, they stay in your head. And once you're married, they become disappointments. A huge number of marriages end over unmet expectations that were never spoken in the first place.

We sat with a couple in premarital where she said, I can't wait to be a stay-at-home mom. And he said, what do you mean you're not going to work?

And she said, what do you mean you want me to work?

That's not a preference mismatch. That's a core value neither of them knew about. Better to find it in a session than five years in.

Say them out loud. Get them on the table. Then you can actually work through them.

3. Healthy Conflict Resolution

Without this, you circle the same mountain forever.

And notice how this stacks on trait one — if there's no safety, there's no good conflict resolution. It's a domino. You can't resolve what you can't safely raise.

We ask couples: have you two had a fight yet?

No! We love each other. We never fight.

You guys really should.

That's not us being cynical. You need to see each other under stress and tension, because that's who shows up in the marriage. Travel together. Get in something hard together. Watch what happens. Can this person say what they need? Can they name what's bothering them? Or do they go explosive, or go silent?

Stonewalling is worth naming here, because a lot of people do it without knowing. It's when someone closes off completely — communication stops, silent treatment starts. It's a way of manipulating the situation so the subject never comes up again. No safety, poor conflict resolution. That's two out of five gone.

But conflict is inevitable, so you need a framework. Find resources. Build one. Know how you're going to tackle it before it hits.

This is a skill. Nobody is born with it. You can learn it.

4. Mutual Effort and Reciprocity

It's not 50/50. It's 100/100.

Both people invested. Both pursuing. Both doing the work. Both contributing.

Because some days your spouse is going to be at 70%, and you make up the difference. That's the deal. But if you start at fifty percent, you're already starting in a deficit.

Picture it: you're building something together, adding everything you've got, and the other person is contributing whatever's left over in their spare time. That doesn't work. Now picture both of you at 100% — you can feel the energy in that. You can feel the agreement.

One red flag we see in premarital: one partner sprinting toward the wedding and the other dragging their feet. Sometimes slowing down is right. But if it feels like you're dragging someone to the altar — you should never have to drag anyone to the altar. That's a conversation to have before the date, not after.

5. Emotional and Physical Connection

Friendship matters more than people expect.

Can you talk? Can you have fun? Do you enjoy being in the same room? Because if you're completely opposite and don't even like the same things — you're going to be with this person for a very long time. Do you actually like them?

Simple questions worth asking: does he annoy me? Does something about her voice throw me off? That's a voice you're waking up to and going to sleep to every day for decades.

A woman we know was dating a guy with a quirk. She kept saying, I don't know if I can live with that quirk. I just don't know.

So Diana asked her: who's forcing you to live with that quirk?

And she said, You're absolutely right. That may be somebody else's husband — but he ain't mine.

That's okay. That's what dating is for. That's what premarital is for.

The Thread Running Through All Five

Look at these five together and you'll notice they all come back to one thing: emotional maturity.

Marriage will throw you. Conflict, life, hard seasons — you need the emotional capacity to face them and talk through them. That's the skill set underneath all five traits, and the difference it makes is enormous.

"What If We're Sexually Incompatible?"

This comes up, and here's what we tell couples: you have the rest of your life to learn each other.

Sex is a gift God gave for marriage, and inside that covenant you get to explore and figure it out. If something doesn't work, you try something else. That's the beauty of committing to one person — you have time.

And notice this ties straight back to trait one. If there's emotional safety, there's safety to talk about the hard things — including this one.

How to Use This

You've been dating this person a month, three months, a year. Go down the list. Five simple areas.

Where are you in each one? If you've only got one out of five, that tells you something — you have work to do before you get anywhere near the altar. But all five can be learned. None of them are a verdict.

That's what we told the couple with the SYMBIS results. Yes, we saw the red flags. But both of them were willing to make space to talk about it and explore it — and that told us they were in a good place. Everything else can be worked out when two people are that willing.

I want to know about you. I want to hear about me. I want to see what I need to change. That's maturity. That's leaning into compatibility. And it's beautiful to watch.

If you're wondering whether this is the person God has for you, we'd love to sit with you. We do free 15-minute consultations and premarital work with SYMBIS. Reach out — this is an exciting place to be.