Why Couples Stop Having Sex (And How to Come Back From It)

We sit with couples who tell us some version of the same thing: we rarely have sex anymore. Maybe once a month, if that. I don't really desire it. I don't really care about it.

And Diana's honest first thought is usually: you're just having bad sex.

There are real exceptions — medical issues, health conditions, seasons that genuinely change what's possible, and those need their own care. But in a generally healthy marriage, a long stretch of no sex usually means one thing: that part of your marriage isn't being nurtured into something that's actually pleasurable for both of you.

Difference Between Having Sex and Connected Sex

Here's the distinction that changes everything.

You can have sex that's body to body with no connection. It's physical. It's release. You're the person I'm going to release on, and vice versa. Quickies are fun — those absolutely have a place. But if that's all it ever is, something's missing.

Because there's a deep need in us to be known and fully loved. That's the level God built into this.

If I get naked with you — can you fully love every part of me that I see as flawed and broken?

That's the red hot marriage way. That's the whole brand, right there.

The Body Question Nobody Says Out Loud

Diana went through breast cancer. She lost a body part — a major sexual organ. And then had to reconcile what her body looks like now, and accept it, marks and all.

A lot of women are carrying some version of this. Bodies that have aged, changed, given birth. And it turns into judgment — I don't want to have sex with the lights on.

When Diana asked Erik how he sees his wife's body, the answer was one word: beautiful.

That gap in perception is enormous. And here's the thing men need to hear: you have the ability to build that in your wife. Not just a responsibility — you're a tool in God's hands inside your own marriage to help her heal from insecurities and feel safe enough to enjoy her own body.

Diana will tell you it was Erik's words over the years that restored her into a woman who's confident and free. Who doesn't need to hide or turn the lights off. Turn on every light in the house. I don't care.

That didn't happen by accident. It got built.

Try This Tonight

Here's your homework, and it's harder than it sounds.

Next time you have sex, ask yourself: can I look him in the eye? Can I look her in the eye?

Can you stay in this moment with your spouse and love them fully — not thinking about the kids, not thinking about the mortgage, not thinking about anything else?

That's genuinely hard. It takes practice. But if you keep going down that road, you'll find your way into connected sex, and the difference between that and two bodies going through the motions is night and day.

And if you can't look each other in the eye — that's information. It usually means shame, or a lack of trust between you. Worth paying attention to.

Quality Over Frequency (But Frequency Still Matters)

When the kids were little, we scheduled sex. We were too tired by the end of the day for anything else. It's Tuesday. It's time. Not sexy. Necessary.

Now it's more organic, because the season changed.

What we've found is that connected sex isn't really about quantity — it's about quality. But here's the interesting part: when the sex is connected, frequency often goes up anyway. Your heart, body, and mind are more open to it. It stops being a chore.

A friend of Diana's described repairing her marriage this way: I almost have to leave my body and let him have sex with me, because I'm not there. As they did the healing work, that changed completely — I'm fully present. I'm here. I'm feeling it. I don't need to leave my body to be with him.

That's what healing looks like. You can have all the frequency in the world and still not be there — mind somewhere else, heart nowhere. God didn't design it that way.

One Important Exception

None of this applies the same way when there's been a breach of trust.

If you're dealing with betrayal, pornography, infidelity — there need to be boundaries. There needs to be healing, and a progression back into sex. You cannot have integrated, connected sex when there's no trust, no repair, and no accountability. Both people have to bring a measure of safety, especially the person who broke it.

That's a different road, and we've walked through it in other episodes.

What This Actually Is

Sex is a gift. God gave us sexual organs so we could enjoy each other — not just to have children. He gave us the gift of pleasure so we could really be in that moment.

We confuse sex with love and love with sex, and it's neither. It's deeper than that.

There's also something here specifically for men. Sex is the most vulnerable you get — everything open, nothing hidden. And for a lot of men, it's the only place they've found in their hearts to be vulnerable. That's real, and it's part of why disconnection there hits so hard.

But God wants to heal your heart so you can share it with her before you get to sex. So she knows your heart. And then when you're together, you have nothing left to prove and nothing to hide — you're just there, in that moment, with the love of your life.

If you're reading this thinking I don't have that — you're speaking a different language, we're telling you: it's possible. Keep building. This is available to you.